I've been feeling so off for a few weeks now. I feel like I've been falling apart... like I can't keep my feelings in check. It's like my logical mind has nothing to do with my initial reaction to anything anymore. I feel lonely. I feel unwanted. I feel like my voice doesn't matter. I feel like I've just been floating on auto-pilot through reality but none of it is really me. The worst part about it is I know none of this is rational. I know I'm not alone. I know I'm wanted. I know I matter and so does my voice. I know I'm important to some people. I know everything I'm feeling is temporary. But none of what I know makes it any easier to deal with.
I'm telling you all this because I want you to know it's normal to feel like you've lost yourself sometimes. It's normal to not know where to go or what to do next. Most importantly, though, it's ok to ask for help to sort it all out. I've talked to my mother and brother about it all; and I'm going to try doing more things that make me happy. I'm going to do my best to branch out and start doing things I'm interested in, regardless of whether or not I have someone to do those things with. I have to start thinking about what my mental health looks like, and what things I can do to make myself happy.
There's so much more I want to tell you, but I'd be telling someone else's story. I really wish I could say more....
Just know that you're helping me by just being here. Check back with me soon, please. I miss you all terribly, and I'm doing my best to come back to you full time, with full force.
Also, I've been getting your emails. Thank you for the love and support. I can't tell you how much I truly appreciate your words. I've responded to some of you already, and I'll be responding to the ones I haven't very soon. I apologize for the wait - as you can see, I haven't been feeling myself lately.
Well, my loves, I'm going to get going for now. I'll be back again soon. I must continue working on me (and my sanity).
And never forget: it's ok to not be ok. You don't have to pretend, and you are allowed to ask for help.
~until next time
Working a full time job, raising two daughters, attempting to have a social life, trying to make my family proud, and trying to make myself proud are things I do every day. I'm now beginning my journey of giving. This is step one.