So I had a conversation with someone during this past week that I had been looking to have for almost a year. There were apologies and a few giggles and a few tears. There was attempted understanding and openness. And at the end of it all, I really realized I didn't value myself enough. I realized I had put a limit on how much I deserved from someone I valued. I realized they didn't value me like I valued them and it was only my fault.
I also realized I contributed in more ways than I thought to the demise of our friendship. I learned I was as much an aggressor as I was a victim and I didn't even see it. I was looking for communication when I wasn't communicating. I was looking for a security blanket when I was on fire.
It took almost a year for us to have a conversation and admit our mistakes. It took a year of wondering and worrying and anger and pain to come back to "I was wrong and I miss being your friend". For us, was it worth it? I don't know yet. We're only back at day one, but I'm hopeful.
So when you, My Loves, are in a situation where maybe you could afford to take a moment to reflect, do so. Take an honest look at what happened and try to see things from the other person's point of view. There was no way I could've known the extent of my contribution to what looked like the end of our friendship if the other person wasn't open to communicating. But there was also no way they could've known my hurt if I wasn't open to communicating. Now that we've had a conversation, it feels like none of it mattered. It is what it is. Either we will work toward being friends again and will be successful, or we won't. I don't know the outcome. My only obligation as a human is to be open to forgive and learn and start anew.
And don't mistake forgiveness for forgetfulness. I will not and should not forget what happened between us. Only two things can happen from forgetting: I will make the same mistake and hurt myself or both of us OR I will not retain the lesson I learned about looking at myself in the mirror and I will end up hurting someone else I care about.
What I will not do is forget. But I have an obligation to myself and to the Universe to forgive. I am required to accept an apology and attempt to move forward, however that looks. I am not required to open myself back up to attempting to rebuild the friendship we had, but I am required to accept the apology, let it go, and move on.
I, personally, have decided to see how it goes and see if we can rebuild our friendship. I am that type of heart. But there is nothing right or wrong about my ability or desire to live my life that way. My type of heart is not right or wrong, it's just mine. So here I am, open again after so long. I have hope, though, that our friendship will be stronger because of what we went through. I have hope that this person will be front and center and cheering loudly on the day I marry the person I love. I have hope that I will do the same for them. I have hope that whatever paths we are meant to walk, we will walk in the same direction, if not together, and we will celebrate each other's wins and be there as a shoulder for each other's losses.
I have hope that my old friend will be my friend again and we will move forward.
I have hope for all of you, My Loves, in all aspects of your lives and your relationships. I wish you forgiveness and love. I wish you friendships and laughter. I wish us all happiness.
~until next time
Working a full time job, raising two daughters, attempting to have a social life, trying to make my family proud, and trying to make myself proud are things I do every day. I'm now beginning my journey of giving. This is step one.