The past two days have been extremely frustrating, yet eye-opening for me. I live in a house with people who are supposed to love me, but every chance they get, they behave in a bullying and dismissive manner toward me. Keep in mind, I'm speaking from my opinion and my feeling about it all - I don't want anyone taking sides, I'm just using my platform to speak my mind.
So things aren't the way I would have them if it were my house - ok, I have to deal. This isn't my house. So things aren't as clean as I would have them if it were my house - ok, I have to deal. This isn't my house. So people eat foods I refuse to put into my body and store their foods in the refrigerator - ok, I have to deal. This isn't my house.
But the time came when I felt the need to speak up and make a simple request to make myself feel more comfortable. I was met with hostility and a rather loud suggestion to "get my own space." Needless to say this hurt my feelings. I'm doing nothing but making a reasonable request - no one needs to change anything in their lives to accommodate me - but you don't even offer a compromise, you just say no. I'm telling you how you make me feel dismissed and small, and all you literally tell me that sharing my feelings with you is disrespectful. SHARING MY FEELINGS WITH YOU IS DISRESPECTFUL!? I don't even know where to begin to try and rationalize that in my head. I'm thinking you can't possibly actually mean what you just said. You obviously misspoke. But nope. As sure as the day is long, you said it multiple times. You meant it.
So what did I do? I ended the conversation to save myself any further hurt and frustration, and I went and bought myself a solution to the problem. It's really sad that it came to this, but you've really shown me what I'm dealing with here.
The saddest part is when I do finally "get my own space" as you so delicately phrased it, I'm never going to want to come back here to see you. You will grow older, and I will be just as distant as the moon. I'll never visit, I'll never come for holidays, I'll never say a word to you outside of hi and bye - and all of it, every last bit, will be your own fault.
It's sad. It hurts. But I have to do what I have to do to maintain my sanity and peace.
I'm sorry things are going in the direction they are, but I refuse to be bullied. I refuse to be looked past and dismissed. My feelings matter. My comfort matters. I'd rather never speak to you again than stress myself out trying to like you.
The lesson here, Loves, is that you are allowed to do things and make decisions that don't affect other people in order to bring peace and order into your own life. You are entitled to have opinions and emotions, and no one can tell you those emotions are wrong. We must always look introspectively to ensure we are not compounding the "wrong", but as long as we are being respectful in our speaking out, we are allowed to speak out at any time.
Don't let people bully you and dismiss you just because they are in a position that is supposed to love you. Don't be a victim. Make good choices for your sanity.
~until next time.
Working a full time job, raising two daughters, attempting to have a social life, trying to make my family proud, and trying to make myself proud are things I do every day. I'm now beginning my journey of giving. This is step one.