You don't really know what lonely feels like until you've spent so much time with yourself that you're not lonely because you're bored. You don't know the true definition of lonliness until you're content - even happy - alone, but the feeling of lonliness stems from wanting a particular person's attention but you're left to make due with minimalism.
You strain your ears to hear a notification on your phone that doesn't come for hours. You constantly push a button on the side of your phone to light up the screen and see if maybe, just maybe, you missed a notification and there's a message waiting for you.
The disappointment you feel in yourself for having had expectations at all, knowing they most likely wouldn't be met does not subside. You just try to fool yourself into thinking you were checking your phone for some other reason. You try to forget about your expectations. Then what happens? You get a notification on your phone... and it's not who you're looking for. And the cycle starts all over again. You tuck that knot in your stomach up under your ribs and you keep pretending to not be waiting for one person.
That feeling in your stomach that you tuck under your ribs is your lonliness. You only truly know that feeling when you're in love.
~until next time
When the people who WORK in the dentist's office tell you not to floss your temporary crown, DO NOT FLOSS YOUR TEMPORARY CROWN. You will be left holding your plastic tooth in your hand whilst at work, and you will feel like somebody's crack-head auntie (or uncle). You will want to laugh, cry, and scream all at once and it will be your own fault. Granted, I understand the dilemma of feeling something in your teeth and not being able to get it out, but for the love of all things logical, if you don't listen to the DENTAL PROFESSIONALS at least listen to me. I've now lived the reality of holding my tooth in my hand while sitting at my desk at work and wondering what the heck I'm going to do. Just trust me, because trying to put it back in with Polygrip is just horrible. I turned into a 90 year old woman instantly, and all because of a piece of cabbage in my teeth. Save yourself the hardship. Just do what they say.
~until next time
I'm typing. My mouth is closed. My mouth hurts. Here's why:
Two days ago I went to the cafeteria at work contemplating what I wanted to eat. I decided on jicama and peanut sauce shrimp tacos. Sounds delicious, right? I thought so too. I bought my food and went back to my desk to eat. That's when things got crazy.
I started eating and suddenly bit down on something hard. I winced and tried to identify what it was that I bit down on. I pulled something flat and clear from my mouth - it looked like a piece of shell from the shrimp - but it didn't feel hard in my hand, so I kept searching in my mouth. I found nothing else.
I continued eating and was able to get through the rest of my meal without any more incidents. I did, though, feel like my tooth was sensitive where I had bitten down on whatever that was. Of course I thought it would pass.
Fast forward to yesterday, I'm eating a bagel and having a super hard time eating without wincing at the pain in my mouth. Even drinking luke warm water was painful. I knew I had to do something immediately. I called my dentist and set an emergency appointment for the same day. I left work early and went to the dentist, and they told me I had cracked the filling in my tooth. Apparently that filling was a particularly large filling and it can't be fixed. They have to put a crown on my tooth. I'm ok with it as long as it fixes what's going on. Then it happens.
The associate from the front desk comes and tells me this process costs $1000 and my insurance only covers 50% of it. I'm sure you can imagine how I was contemplating living with the pain in my mouth or living with the pain of paying that much money. Best part about it all was they said they wouldn't put the crown on unless the cost was paid in full before hand. Needless to say I chose to pay.
So here's the lesson for us all:
Shrimp tacos are evil. Save your money because the dentist is going to take it all.
~until next time
Let me preface this post with a quote from yours truly:
"Don't let them walk over you, but don't walk over them either. If they refuse to keep up, pass by them on the right."
So, since I'm sure that doesn't make much sense out of context let me explain.
Do you have people you love? Yes? Ok. Do you have people you love that you can't be around for more than a few hours, or even minutes, at a time? Yes? Then you have enough experience to understand where I'm coming from.
There are going to be times when all you can do is shut your mouth and look straight ahead and do what you have to do because the people you love need you to be around the people you love but can't be around. There is only so much arguing you can do. There are only so many times you can stand up for yourself before you truly understand nothing is changing. You know you can't control what other people say and do. You know you can't control how other people feel or what they think. All you can do is self-reflect. All you can do is look at the situation from an impartial standpoint and understand what someone else might be going through to make them the way they are. Your reflection, though, does not change theirs. That's the hard part about all of this. You can't force others to reflect on their actions. You don't get to dictate what they see about themselves. Think about it. You don't even get to completely dictate what people see about you. You can do your best to be your best but some people still get your picture twisted and black and white when you're clearly full of vibrant colors.
So how do you handle it? Well, I'm sorry my friends but only you have your answer to that. Only you know what would be best in your situation. Only you know what you would be comfortable with. Only you can determine what needs to be done for you to keep your sanity. But I will tell you this - one important key to this situation: be kind. Understand that everyone lives life in their own time frame. Everyone is struggling with something. If you truly love the people around you, love them enough to look beyond yourself. Love them enough to give up words that are not necessary to keep peace. Love them enough to love them unconditionally.
~until next time
On this day 45 years ago some really amazing things were set in motion. My mommy was born, and with her birth came promises that this universe could not deny. Things would definitely be happening that no one could stop -wonderful things. She's the most loving and head strong and focused woman I know and I would be absolutely nothing without her. She's taught me about self love and motivation. She's taught me how to be the mother my children need. She's taught me how to be the best sister I can be. She's taught me to not take on the weight of the world, but manage my little piece in a way that allows me to sleep comfortably at night. She's taught me about hard work (especially yard work), and she feeds me 😄. She's taught me about love. And I love her. I love her entire life and I pray she's blessed with many more years in this existence with us. She's my favorite. Happy born day my mommy...... (ok ok you're not just MY mom but I was first so I got dibs lol)
*mind you, she won't see this until the weekend because she's in CUBA.....(keywords to follow)
45 sounds wonderful lol. I love you Mommy.
~until next time
If you're not careful, what you meant to be an innocent comment can quickly turn into extremely hurtful words when they fall on someone else's ears. People can't read your mind. We don't know what your intentions are when you speak, we only hear your words and the tone in which you say them. And when you call back to talk more, we don't know you're thinking about saying the very thing we are hoping you'll say so we know you aren't trying to exclude us or put us down. We don't know you don't hate us. All we know is you hurt us...repeatedly. All we know is you're supposed to love us but you make us cry. All we know is when you're around, we don't feel like we're good enough.
I won't get too far into it because I don't want to get into specifics, but please, people, be kind with your words. Understand that everything out of your mouth can bring life or death to someone's self esteem or love for you. Everything has a consequence.
~until next time
As a single mother of two girls I try not to be bitter or angry about what my girls' fathers don't do for them. But because I'm human, here's a short list:
Get them ready for school
Call them (ever)
Teach them right from wrong
Comfort them when they're upset
Kiss their boo-boos when they're hurt
Clean their ears
Do their hair
Take them on dates
Tell them they love them
Kiss them goodnight
Watch movies with them
Learn their favorite sayings from their favorite shows
Watch their favorite shows
Help them brush their teeth
Take them to the doctor
Pay for their insurance (or help)
Sniff their stinky toes
Let them play in their hair
Make them clean their room
Help them clean their room
Remind them to wash their hands
Help them in and out of the car
Hold their hands
Well..... You get it. I do it all. But my point is that I try not to let that growing list make me an angry mother. I had children with men who chose not to love their children. That has nothing to do with me, and I will not let it negatively affect my babies, especially while they're so young. My girls are the two most amazing people I've ever met in my life, and they love me. They remind me every day that I'm doing this thing right. I have no manual to work from but my babies tell me they're blessed to have me as their mommy. Just the fact that they use the word "blessed" tells me I'm doing something right. And today, mother's day, my girls again shower me with love and affection.
Did I get a phone call or even a text from either of their fathers? Nope. Did I get any sign of a thank you? Nope. Do I care? Nope. Why? Because they're the ones missing out. I don't need them to validate a made up holiday for me. I don't need their thanks for doing what I would give my life to do. I don't need them to recognize me for being a mother to my girls - my girls recognize me. My babies are my reminder that I am appreciated always and I am loved.
So to [insert name(s) here]:
I don't need your validation or your thanks. But you're welcome for raising your daughters to respect themselves and others the way they respect me. You're welcome for dressing them appropriately for their ages. You're welcome for making sure they look presentable when they leave the house. You're welcome for making sure they are fed and bathed. You're welcome for teaching them math and how to read and setting boundaries for what they are allowed to watch and let into their minds. You're welcome for encouraging them to speak and think for themselves. You're welcome for making your daughters the most amazing little ladies they can be. I'll continue doing so with or without you, and if you ever decide you want to experience the humans that your daughters are, you know my phone number. Feel free to reach out whenever.
~until next time
Anyone with children knows it can be a pretty tough uphill battle to not be bossed around by your kids. It's a constant push and pull. "I'm the boss." "No, you're the parent and I'm hungry so get up and go to the store right now, even though you told me five minutes ago that if I didn't eat I wouldn't get anything because it was time for bed."
You know this conversation. It happens every day right before, "Go to bed." "But I'm thirsty." So I was talking to my eight year old (who knows about what because there are so many hilarious conversations I just can't remember them all) and she tells me, "I think children are called children because grown ups are always telling us to chill." Obviously, I was speechless. Then she tells me she wants me to put that on my website (there goes the bossing). So here it is, baby. The first blog dedicated exclusively to you. I love you sweet, silly, smart girl.
~until next time
So, I worked late tonight. Let's start there. You know I'm hungry. I've been smelling chicken at random moments on my commute home and I'm in a car alone with my windows rolled up. I know, ridiculous. I get home and get my girls in bed because they've already eaten, and by now it's more than half an hour past their bedtime. I go through my usual kissing and tickling, and finally they're calm enough for me to walk out of their room. I walk out and I'm instantly on the hunt for food. I look in the fridge and am utterly disappointed. No leftovers, please. I look in the freezer - oh please, no. I don't want to cook anything. Welp, gotta hit up Romans.
I get in my car, standing strong in my decision, and drive all of 2.5 minutes to the restaurant down the street. I get here and oh my gosh, where the heck is my wallet? At this point you're thinking "just go back home", right? WRONG! My guy, Bill (the owner, who is so nice you can physically feel the niceness exuding from his pores) has a POS (point of sale for my friends who have never worked in a bank) system that can save your card numbers and display the last four digits so you can use them without physically having the card!
[I know this because there was a time I helped my amazing brother tow a car with an SUV in the dark while said car had zero power and I left my wallet in the SUV overnight, then over-weekend by mistake. My mom had to overnight my wallet to me but in the meantime I was damn hungry and showed up to Bill's wonderful place and he saved my life (and my stomach).]
So, kids..... Please, for the love of all things delicious, hold on to your wallets and make sure you can buy yourself a turkey and tomato panini when all attempts at trying to make yourself want to cook fail.
That is all.
~until next time
So, there's a dude named Black Dynamite. He's a Kung Fu master and he loves the ladies. He runs with a dude named Bullhorn who rhymes whenever he speaks. Cream Corn talks a lot of trash but he's really scared. O'Leary is a crooked cop, and somebody killed Jimmy. Roscoe didn't do so well with chilli and donuts so he switched it up. And 785 is the area code in Topeka, Kansas. Code Kansas gives you "Wooooo" because of Anaconda Malt Liquor. The two girls' mothers told them their daddies have the same name and it's all absolutely hilarious.
Do yourself a favor and watch "Black Dynamite" immediately.
But a warning: this is NOT for young eyes and ears or anyone who is sensitive to touchy subjects like race and politics. If you can manage, this movie will have you in tears, and maybe needing to change your pants!
~until next time
Working a full time job, raising two daughters, attempting to have a social life, trying to make my family proud, and trying to make myself proud are things I do every day. I'm now beginning my journey of giving. This is step one.