Hello, Loves. I'm sitting on my mother's couch, sleepy, in my pajamas with my daughters next to me, and I can't help thinking how grateful I am for my mommy being my mommy. Throughout my life, she has taught me the importance of working for what I want in my life, and putting good energy into the world. I have manifested some really great things, and I have a plan to manifest my wildest dreams.
You can do it, too. Be positive. Speak your truth. Be open to new possibilities. Make a plan, and try your best at every turn to execute that plan.
I must sleep, now, but I had to tell you that. I know my last post didn't bring about the most wonderfully fuzzy feelings.
I believe in you. I believe in me.
~until next time
The past two days have been extremely frustrating, yet eye-opening for me. I live in a house with people who are supposed to love me, but every chance they get, they behave in a bullying and dismissive manner toward me. Keep in mind, I'm speaking from my opinion and my feeling about it all - I don't want anyone taking sides, I'm just using my platform to speak my mind.
So things aren't the way I would have them if it were my house - ok, I have to deal. This isn't my house. So things aren't as clean as I would have them if it were my house - ok, I have to deal. This isn't my house. So people eat foods I refuse to put into my body and store their foods in the refrigerator - ok, I have to deal. This isn't my house.
But the time came when I felt the need to speak up and make a simple request to make myself feel more comfortable. I was met with hostility and a rather loud suggestion to "get my own space." Needless to say this hurt my feelings. I'm doing nothing but making a reasonable request - no one needs to change anything in their lives to accommodate me - but you don't even offer a compromise, you just say no. I'm telling you how you make me feel dismissed and small, and all you literally tell me that sharing my feelings with you is disrespectful. SHARING MY FEELINGS WITH YOU IS DISRESPECTFUL!? I don't even know where to begin to try and rationalize that in my head. I'm thinking you can't possibly actually mean what you just said. You obviously misspoke. But nope. As sure as the day is long, you said it multiple times. You meant it.
So what did I do? I ended the conversation to save myself any further hurt and frustration, and I went and bought myself a solution to the problem. It's really sad that it came to this, but you've really shown me what I'm dealing with here.
The saddest part is when I do finally "get my own space" as you so delicately phrased it, I'm never going to want to come back here to see you. You will grow older, and I will be just as distant as the moon. I'll never visit, I'll never come for holidays, I'll never say a word to you outside of hi and bye - and all of it, every last bit, will be your own fault.
It's sad. It hurts. But I have to do what I have to do to maintain my sanity and peace.
I'm sorry things are going in the direction they are, but I refuse to be bullied. I refuse to be looked past and dismissed. My feelings matter. My comfort matters. I'd rather never speak to you again than stress myself out trying to like you.
The lesson here, Loves, is that you are allowed to do things and make decisions that don't affect other people in order to bring peace and order into your own life. You are entitled to have opinions and emotions, and no one can tell you those emotions are wrong. We must always look introspectively to ensure we are not compounding the "wrong", but as long as we are being respectful in our speaking out, we are allowed to speak out at any time.
Don't let people bully you and dismiss you just because they are in a position that is supposed to love you. Don't be a victim. Make good choices for your sanity.
~until next time.
Thank you for your encouragement and how willingly you expressed how my writing was relevant to your life. I look forward to keeping in touch with you and hope you will continue to find confirmation in my words. I was going to title this post your name, but didn't know if you would be ok with that so I went with something I knew you would recognize. I hope you enjoy the oil and you continue to check in here for more "every-day real". Feel free to email me any time for anything at all.
You see, My Loves, everything happens not only for a reason, but for a good reason. I met a woman today who told me to my face how my words touched her. And although I receive your emails, hearing the words in person is a completely different ballpark. I can't express enough how much gratitude I have for you all traveling on this journey with me. I have had my highs and my lows, but you have all been a constant reminder that tomorrow is a new day and everything is connected.
I will continue to move forward in the hopes that my words will touch someone out there and help them through whatever they're dealing with.
Please continue sending your emails (don't forget to tell me if you want me to answer publicly or privately), and don't be shy if you want to leave a comment on a specific post.
I love and appreciate you all.
~until next time
So I had a conversation with someone during this past week that I had been looking to have for almost a year. There were apologies and a few giggles and a few tears. There was attempted understanding and openness. And at the end of it all, I really realized I didn't value myself enough. I realized I had put a limit on how much I deserved from someone I valued. I realized they didn't value me like I valued them and it was only my fault.
I also realized I contributed in more ways than I thought to the demise of our friendship. I learned I was as much an aggressor as I was a victim and I didn't even see it. I was looking for communication when I wasn't communicating. I was looking for a security blanket when I was on fire.
It took almost a year for us to have a conversation and admit our mistakes. It took a year of wondering and worrying and anger and pain to come back to "I was wrong and I miss being your friend". For us, was it worth it? I don't know yet. We're only back at day one, but I'm hopeful.
So when you, My Loves, are in a situation where maybe you could afford to take a moment to reflect, do so. Take an honest look at what happened and try to see things from the other person's point of view. There was no way I could've known the extent of my contribution to what looked like the end of our friendship if the other person wasn't open to communicating. But there was also no way they could've known my hurt if I wasn't open to communicating. Now that we've had a conversation, it feels like none of it mattered. It is what it is. Either we will work toward being friends again and will be successful, or we won't. I don't know the outcome. My only obligation as a human is to be open to forgive and learn and start anew.
And don't mistake forgiveness for forgetfulness. I will not and should not forget what happened between us. Only two things can happen from forgetting: I will make the same mistake and hurt myself or both of us OR I will not retain the lesson I learned about looking at myself in the mirror and I will end up hurting someone else I care about.
What I will not do is forget. But I have an obligation to myself and to the Universe to forgive. I am required to accept an apology and attempt to move forward, however that looks. I am not required to open myself back up to attempting to rebuild the friendship we had, but I am required to accept the apology, let it go, and move on.
I, personally, have decided to see how it goes and see if we can rebuild our friendship. I am that type of heart. But there is nothing right or wrong about my ability or desire to live my life that way. My type of heart is not right or wrong, it's just mine. So here I am, open again after so long. I have hope, though, that our friendship will be stronger because of what we went through. I have hope that this person will be front and center and cheering loudly on the day I marry the person I love. I have hope that I will do the same for them. I have hope that whatever paths we are meant to walk, we will walk in the same direction, if not together, and we will celebrate each other's wins and be there as a shoulder for each other's losses.
I have hope that my old friend will be my friend again and we will move forward.
I have hope for all of you, My Loves, in all aspects of your lives and your relationships. I wish you forgiveness and love. I wish you friendships and laughter. I wish us all happiness.
~until next time
I've been feeling so off for a few weeks now. I feel like I've been falling apart... like I can't keep my feelings in check. It's like my logical mind has nothing to do with my initial reaction to anything anymore. I feel lonely. I feel unwanted. I feel like my voice doesn't matter. I feel like I've just been floating on auto-pilot through reality but none of it is really me. The worst part about it is I know none of this is rational. I know I'm not alone. I know I'm wanted. I know I matter and so does my voice. I know I'm important to some people. I know everything I'm feeling is temporary. But none of what I know makes it any easier to deal with.
I'm telling you all this because I want you to know it's normal to feel like you've lost yourself sometimes. It's normal to not know where to go or what to do next. Most importantly, though, it's ok to ask for help to sort it all out. I've talked to my mother and brother about it all; and I'm going to try doing more things that make me happy. I'm going to do my best to branch out and start doing things I'm interested in, regardless of whether or not I have someone to do those things with. I have to start thinking about what my mental health looks like, and what things I can do to make myself happy.
There's so much more I want to tell you, but I'd be telling someone else's story. I really wish I could say more....
Just know that you're helping me by just being here. Check back with me soon, please. I miss you all terribly, and I'm doing my best to come back to you full time, with full force.
Also, I've been getting your emails. Thank you for the love and support. I can't tell you how much I truly appreciate your words. I've responded to some of you already, and I'll be responding to the ones I haven't very soon. I apologize for the wait - as you can see, I haven't been feeling myself lately.
Well, my loves, I'm going to get going for now. I'll be back again soon. I must continue working on me (and my sanity).
And never forget: it's ok to not be ok. You don't have to pretend, and you are allowed to ask for help.
~until next time
I've been feeling a lot lately. Please be patient with me. I'm definitely human; I just need a minute. I have drafts started, but none of them are done, and I just need to gather myself again so I can write.
I promise I'll be back soon.
~until next time
Hello, my dear. Quick answer is, follow your heart. I can't tell you whether or not you should stay with the man you love, but I can tell you it sounds like he loves you back. From what you've described, he is consistent with you, even in the things you don't like. You have expressed to him there are things you need him to do differently in order to keep you happy, but he has consistently not responded with action. If you don't love your love and life together enough to stay despite the fact that he's not showing you what you need to see, you need to make a decision for your life. You don't have children, but I find people use that as an excuse to leave a situation when leaving is not always warranted. You have built a life with this man, however long or short (you didn't tell me how long you've been married). You made a choice to commit to one another. No one can tell you to leave or stay - only you can make that choice.
What I can say is this: if you believe your husband loves you and in all other areas makes you happy, are you willing to be the planner in every aspect and live without the "surprise and romance" you desire? You have to weigh your relationship against itself. You know what it was like before him. You know what it's like with him. You know what you want from him, whether he's delivering that or not. The question is which option do you want for your life?
I can only tell you I don't believe in divorce, but your life is not my life. I don't know the weight of your unhappiness caused by his actions - or lack thereof. I don't know the feeling you get in your gut when you see him. I don't know if you back away from his touch or lean into it; but all these things are points you should consider.
I believe you will make the right choice for your life. You just have to believe you are making the right choice. Take your time, though. Don't make a choice when you're feeling frustrated or angry. Make sure whatever you choose was thoroughly thought out and you've looked at both sides of the equation.
Look at things from his point of view. Think about his love language. Ask yourself if there is a way you can express your needs in his love language so he can hear you best. Look at how he was raised and what his values are. Look at his friends and how he interacts with them.
If your man is a good man and he is worth re-evaluating your discomfort, do you love him enough to do that?
Being that I'm feeling all over the place in my own emotions, I apologize if my words seem scattered, but I wanted to respect your request and reply to you openly (Loves, she requested I respond publicly in hopes her story and situation will help someone else in need of advice on the same or a similar situation).
Please send another email if you want to talk more about it. I'm here to help in any way I can, no matter my own issues. YOU are the reason I'm doing this. My CONNECTION with you is the reason I do this. I want to be open with you all and encourage growth for all of us. I am not magical and I certainly don't have all the answers. What I do have, though, is effort and desire.
I want us all to succeed.
Let me know if there is anything else I can speak on, My Love. And I wish you a clear mind to think through your feelings and options.
~until next time
Never be afraid of what someone else will think of you doing what you want to do. If you are certain this is what you want, go for it! It is your life. Always remember: what you eat doesn't make anyone else shit. If you want to risk it and it doesn't negatively affect anyone around you, do what you want!
Thanks for the zig-zag fun! It was a pleasure meeting you. Ride safe out there.
Hello, Loves. I'm having a hard time right now. There has been a lot going on over the past couple of weeks, and emotionally I am pretty much all jumbled up. I have a clear direction of what mental and emotional state I'm working toward, and I can see the path AND THE PROGRESS, but I needed to write to you and talk this through with you.
Let me start with two weekends ago. I went for a short weekend nearby vacay with my family for my daughters' birthdays. It was amazing. We had so much fun just being with each other and sharing those new experiences together. In the middle of it all, though, I got a phone call from someone I was not expecting a phone call from - my father. I hadn't spoken to him since last October when he forgot my birthday then got upset with me for setting boundaries for my own life.
Needless to say I was caught off guard by the call. He told me he was sorry and he missed me and all the other things men say when they want a woman to forgive them (because you don't have to be dating a man for him to pour honey in your ear then break your heart). I listened and spoke, being sure to keep a good balance of both. I agreed to see him. Fast forward a few days and here I am pulling up to a restaurant wondering what's going to happen this time.
I go inside. He's not there. Mind you, when we made these plans he promised he would be early, but we all know how promises sometimes go. I wait. For a full 15 minutes I wait. Then just as I was so angry and hurt that I wanted to cry I called my brother. He's always a voice of reason for me. I was trying really hard to keep it together. Then the phone rings.
It's nothing but dramatics and excuses and I don't want to hear any more. Skipping forward a bit, I decide I don't want to do this anymore. I decide that knowing this man is not worth my sanity. I decide to draw my line in the sand and leave it there.
The most important thing about this story, though, is that I did all of this from a place of love. My father has been far from anything ideal, but I love him regardless. I love him through his faults and mistakes. I love myself enough to set boundaries. I did a really hard thing because I knew it was best. The way things are now isn't healthy for either of us and I love us both enough to say "enough".
So never be afraid to draw your line. And if you are afraid, know that it WILL be alright. Do what is right for you. If that means severing ties with someone you love, make sure it comes from love. Don't be spiteful or angry. Only hurt can grow from spite and anger. Be loving. Be open to put conditions on people if they want your energy, but ALWAYS come from love.
~until next time
Working a full time job, raising two daughters, attempting to have a social life, trying to make my family proud, and trying to make myself proud are things I do every day. I'm now beginning my journey of giving. This is step one.